"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and Directly into a Committed Relationship with Me"
There is something about me, some chemical imbalance, a pheromone maybe, that leads me, hell, pushes me to the most bat shit crazy dudes. We all have a "crazy ex." Me? I have like 50. Now it's not fair to say that they are crazy before I meet them, all I can say is they are certifiable nut bags after I've had my go at them. I have had dudes cling to the top of my car while I'm reaching speeds of 45 miles per hour, one guy called me over 140 times in 6 hours, one guy threw up in his hands and threw it on my ceiling, one filled my car with $50 worth of feeder rats and mice, another carved my name into his arm to show his dedication to me, I've had 4 boyfriends committed to our local mental health treatment facility during or directly following our relationship, I've filed 5 restraining orders... I could go on and on, but my recent brush with love disturbed even me.
How do you break up with someone if they refuse to accept it? No really, I want to know because I'm pretty sure I'm technically still dating this dude. What you are about to read is one of my several attempts at breaking up with this guy. We'll call him Gordon. Now let me make this clear, I am in no way making fun of this guy, his mental health issues or his life situation, rather commiserating with you and sharing what I would deem as Lifetime Made-for-Television-Movie worthy snipets of my dating life.
Break-up, take twenty seven. After a day of Facebook messages asking to be left alone the following conversation occurred via phone, voicemail, text and twitter:*
(Text)
4:19pm Gordon: Ugggh god you have no sense of humor lately. Take a breather if you need to. Hurry though, I'm lonely. Love you baby <3
4:20pm Stina: Do you understand the concept of leave me alone?
4:21pm Gordon: I am!!! Starting now...
5:15pm Gordon: Okay one more thing and I swear I'll leave you alone. Please don't mess around on me when we're having our breather. It hurts my feelings. I'm not going to do anything that I know would hurt you wither. That is all.
5:16pm Stina: Oh.my.god. How do I put this? I don't want a boyfriend. You or anyone.
5:17pm Gordon: How do I put this? You have one. A good one. Don't be a jerk. I've never hurt you. Don't hurt me. That's all I ask.
6:15pm Gordon: Sorry baby. Thems the rules! Can't break up with someone for no reason and you can't cheat on your boyfriend (again)...
6:23 pm Stina: Stop! I want to break up because I'm over it. Better?
6:23 pm Gordon: Nope not a reason... "because my friends don't like you" doesn't work either. Sorry.
6:25pm Gordon: Besides you can't break up with someone any other way than in person. You actually told me that.
6:54pm Gordon: Mr. Smith has been informed... I'm a good guy Stina. I don't deserve to be hurt.
7:04pm Gordon sends the following screen shot of Facebook conversation between him and a random friend of mine, Mr. Smith. I have no idea out of all my friends why he would feel the need to send this to him: 7:12pm Stina: Wow. You're nuts. Mr. Smith and I have been friends for years. That's dumpable.
7:13pm Gordon: That's not dumpable! I think I know him too actually. I'm not nuts. I'm in love WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, who seems to be having trouble realizing how awesome I actually am.
7:18pm Stina calls Gordon and informs him they are indeed OVER and that she wishes to have no further contact with him.
7:19pm Gordon calls back and leaves the following voicemail: "Hey Stina, this is Gordon... YOUR BOYFRIEND. You can do whatever the hell you want to do, but you're going to be doing it behind the back of your boyfriend.Cause you have to have a *(&%&)* reason. Sorry. Those are the rules. Call me back. Bye" 7:28pm Gordon: You have to have a reason!!! You don't have one! Do what you want, but you will be doing the wrong thing. I know you love me. I was there when it happened remember? I am a good man to you. I refuse to be thrown away because you're scared, or your friends don't like me. Til you have a reason... A valid one. I'm still in this fight...
7:35pm Stina: Seriously. I don't want to be mean... I am done. You are too crazy for me even. Please. We are done.
7:35pm Gordon: Still need a reason, sorry. I am so not crazy.
7:36pm Gordon: C'mon too crazy for you?! Doesn't exist. I don't remember crapping on your carpet or puking on your ceiling.
7:37pm Stina: I don't love you. Good enough reason?
7:37pm Gordon: Nope because I know you do. I felt it when It started. Why are you so scared of it!
8:00pm Stina: I.do.not.have.a.boyfriend.
8:01pm Gordon: Yes. You. Do. Until. You. Have. A. Valid. Reason. Which. You. Don't. Have.
8:02pm Gordon: So. Sorry. 8:05pm Stina sends the following Twitter Update: In case I haven't made it clear enough to anyone: I.do.not.have.a.boyfriend. That is all, as you were. 8:07pm Gordon responds via twitter: yes.you.do.sorry! 9:00pm Stina responds to Gordon via twitter: that's not the way it works, you don't agree to being dumped... It happens. So, again... You are not my BF.
9:10pm Gordon responds via Twitter: you need a reason! A valid one! 9:47pm Gordon twitters again: still need a reason honey!
*Some foul language and texts were omitted due to inappropriatenessss.
So, there you have it. I'm not sure what lesson there is to be learned from this experience besides perhaps you should conduct mental health screenings prior to giving new boyfriends your real last name or home address? Hell if I know. On a related note, does anyone have the contact information for the Witness Relocation Program? I'm pretty sure I'm over eating quesadillas, Just Sayin'
